As I get older I think of the end of the road.
Not because I want to get there but because I know I will.
I am not rushing but Time is pulling me. Faster and faster into the abyss
I am not alone. My friends, relatives are around me, getting older
The thought crosses my mind from time to time. Who will be first?
I push it away. It is natural but I don't want to think about death.
Not their death. But I am thinking of mine.
When my turn comes, my family, my friends so dear to me...
They will grieve. But time will move them away, away through the turbulence of life
As days, weeks and years carry them along, the pain subsides. Life takes over. Memories fade.
I hope. I want my loved ones to keep going, to live, to enjoy the ups and downs of this crazy ride - life
As my life in this world ends, will it be the end? I wonder.
The end? Some say our souls are immortal. At least from a human perspective.
I don't believe in immortality. What was the beginning necessarily will end.
But instinctively we do not want to simply vanish forever. It is hard to accept forever.
Our world, our human world. It is in turmoil.
Hate and ignorance, wars and famine, suffering that we brought upon ourselves
Greed and self-importance are poisoning people. Sometimes I feel I am ready for the end, my end.
Why? Why are people doing this to themselves? Are we here to hurt one another?
We are just little sparks, blips on the surface of the immense ocean, this mysterious, scary and beautiful Universe.
We know nothing about it. We do not understand it. But arrogance is our trait.
I wonder if we are even noticed by this living, moving and magical something. We call it the Universe, God for some.
Rich and poor, black and white...we are all the same. Children of our planet. Unwanted children perhaps.
Our Earth is just a little speck at the edge of our very ordinary Galaxy, the Milky Way.
One of billions and billions of galaxies. And yet we are full of self-importance, as if the Universe rotates around us.
But we are defenseless against Time. All of us. Rich and poor. Black and white.
And as the years go by I wonder. Why bother? Are we here for the Universe?
What difference does any of our activities matter?
That some of us will get better coffins or headstones?
Death is a great equalizer. In a few years all the coffins will rot. Cheap and fancy alike.
Headstones remain but the chain of generations breaks easily and memories melt away.
But through all the doubt and anxiety, through the hopelessness and despair,
I hope there is a Reason. Some higher reason, higher Reality
I hope for all of us, for this extraordinary creation that is the Universe
I hope for this breed of life, this species, humanity, also still barbarian and violent
I hope we humans will survive in spite of ourselves, survive and mature.
Survive and join the universal consciousness. And will become one with God
My God - the Universe.
I do not know the Reason. This is the eternal question.
Why are we here? What is Here? Maybe we are not supposed to know. Maybe we are not ready to know? Not yet?
I am reading my scribbles now trying to finish my thoughts, to finish what I started. It has been awhile.
Before I had a cardiac arrest. One moment I was fine and then I woke up in the hospital three days later not having any idea of what had happened.
Against all odds I am back. Thanks to the people who saved my life.
Some consider it a miracle. My guardian angel saved me, they say.
There must be a reason, a purpose for me still being here, they say.
I don't know. What is my purpose in this life? Is there a purpose, a task I need to complete?
My loved ones are happy I am alive and well. They are not concerned about the reason, the purpose.
And I will do my best to keep them happy.
And I appreciate this life more and will try to live in the moment while trying to comprehend what happened...
If the doctors had not been able to bring me back, I might never have known that I had existed...and died.
Think about that!
Strange surreal times, a dystopian universe.
Or maybe just a persistent nightmare?
I want to wake up.
I am losing friends.
Friends? I wonder.
Are they friends?
Whom do we consider friends? Real friends?
What are friends? We consider many people we know as friends.
We all want to have friends. Why?
We are social animals, we have the need to be surrounded by others.
To talk, to share, to spend time together.
We need support and understanding, security being with somebody we share our worldview.
We feel at ease, knowing a friend will understand.
Mutual respect and understanding, that's it.
Even in disagreement.
I do not want to be careful, to avoid some topics, to lie.
That is how we talk to everybody else, those not our friends.
I want to enjoy my friend's company, to relax, to let my guard down, not to try being somebody I am not.
Yes, we may disagree, we may argue, let our voices rise.
It will be boring otherwise, won't it? If we agree on everything?
But there are actions, behaviors and words that are indefensible, immoral.
There are views that cannot be supported by a decent person,
By people I call my friends.
This man that the country elected to be the President of the United States.
He spewed lies, deception, hate and bigotry. This man incited violence and intolerance.
During his campaign he spoke to the lowest common denominator, awaking all that is evil in humans.
A leader of the free world?
Some of my friends are supporting this evil man. They voted for him.
Friends? Are we friends? Is there something I do not know about them?
“Avoid talking politics with them”, I have been told.
During these difficult times am I supposed to avoid discussing my fears, to not share my thoughts?
Talk about “safe” things like the weather, the kids.....What are the “safe” subjects with people we call friends?
Maybe that is what is needed to see who our friends really are?
Crises, difficult and troubling times, tragedy.
But I do know these people. People who voted for Trump.
They would help me if the need arose, they have good families, they are nice people.
And yet they elected this psychopath to be our Commander in Chief!
These seemingly decent people just disregarded all the norms of decency and trusted this man with the Presidency.
They put the future of our country in the hands of a narcissistic egomaniac.
What happened to them?
Was I wrong to call them friends?
It is so sad, so hard to be disappointed in people I respected.
I am losing friends.