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27May/172

The Loop Part 3

Posted by Nate

Alternate realities.

Dreams and realities.

And then an idea came to him: to try to write about his experiences, his dreams and fantasies about these dreams – dreams about different worlds, other realities. Different worlds but closely related at the same time. First, he called these worlds parallel universes, but later he decided on alternate realities that interact with each other.

Parallel universes would be susceptible to “butterfly effects” and could not closely resemble each other as his alternate realities would.

So, he started writing without much concern about the scientific value of his theories. Thinking and writing about all that weirdness helped ease the anxiety of these persistent thoughts and feelings of the unreality of the world around him, the strangeness in his life.

So, he continued to theorize about all this. He actually enjoyed trying to construct the world, the reasons that might be at play here.

He thought that this terrible accident (was it an accident?) that happened to him pushed him, showed him what might be happening...made it easier to think about life's secrets. He tried to sort out in his writing his experiences in the hospital and after, whether real or imagined...about realities and entanglement.

Different realities are somehow connected, entangled. When realities are branching out, when one makes a decision in one reality, it remains entangled so that changes in one reality affect other realities.

So why do realities interfere with each other, and not remain separate?

The universe is nothing more than information, he thought. We know that computers can run several programs simultaneously. Asian philosophers claim that the universe, everything in the universe, is just vibrations. Different frequencies result in different “planes” or forms of existence.

So maybe all these realities are just planes of slightly different frequencies?

Or maybe time itself is digital and different realities are occupying different time slots and that is why some kind of abrupt shift pushed him into another reality.

All his adult life he was trying to understand, to imagine what it is, our universe? What is “reality” and what is “illusion”? And if there is an ultimate reality - what is it?

And if all this is an illusion – what is an illusion? And does it make any difference?

He remembered the movie, Matrix, and he thought that maybe there is no city of Zion.

And then a disturbing thought. Am I the same person, is it really me, the same guy that lived before the cardiac arrest? So, if I am in another reality now, who am I?

How do I know? Or anybody else? My wife – how would she know if this person, her husband, is really him, the person she loves, the person she married and had children with?

So, this thought distracted him, led him, his thoughts to branch in different directions.

But even without the cardiac arrest, am I the same person I was 40 years ago?

Just because my name is the same? My body is totally different, every cell in my body is not the cell from a few years ago, my memories are changing and I forgot a lot from my younger years.

Are we becoming a different person constantly during our lives?

And if the answer is yes, then what difference does it makes what reality I am from?

* * * * * * *

He was enjoying the afternoon sun while sitting on the deck. Surrounded by trees, flowers of all shapes, colors and fragrances, the singing of the birds and bees buzzing. Without thinking about anything in particular, not concerned with the past or future. He felt as a part of the world, a part of these sights, smells, music of life.

His wife was doing something with flowers in the garden. She loved her garden and was proud of it. And he smiled inside – she is here, with him.

He half closed his eyes and absorbed it all, he was expanding, becoming one with this symphony of life, of reality. The play of bright patches of light and shade between the leaves, the smells and sounds – it became him.

Life was a wonderful thing. He was in the moment...enjoying it.

And that was the reality he accepted.

27May/170

The Loop Part 2

Posted by Nate

Alternate realities.

What is a dream and what is reality?

He was laying in this hospital bed pondering, thinking about what was going on. He vaguely remembered his life, was it a dream maybe? The botanic garden, the colors, sunshine, flowers. Was it just a dream? What is our life, our reality? Reality? What is that - our reality? Who knows. To him now, it all seemed not that real, maybe a product of his wishful imagination.

He was laying in this room and that was his reality now - this little world, the 4 walls, his bed surrounded by some blinking clicking stuff, his wife...

Maybe this is just a bad dream and he will wake up at home, in his bed, or on the couch just dreaming. Bright day outside, wife working in the garden, birds singing, Luke his dog sleeping and probably dreaming of being young and chasing rabbits.

He liked this thought. He was scared of this dark room, of being sick, of not knowing whether he was awake or dreaming.

What is wrong about dreaming, being deep inside your mind, not seeing all this scary stuff?

He glanced at the TV - some show that he did not know, nor cared to know. Why is it in black and white? Is something wrong with his eyes? Or is the stupid TV broken?

He looked around with more attention. The things around him - they looked different, not the way he remembered from last time. Was it in his dream or was it real last time in this room? This room? He wasn't sure anymore. He wasn't sure of his memory.

Fear crept in. What is wrong with his head? He decided to try to sleep. It will be better in the morning, all will clear up.

On and off he drifted to sleep - lucid dreams, hearing noises, nurses coming and doing something with him and the equipment. Eventually, finally, it was getting lighter outside. He could see buildings, cars moving in silence. Something strange about these buildings, the cars. What was it? He tried to analyze what was bothering him about this picture?

He now could see the room. Again, something was not quite right. What was it? Colors or the lack of colors?

The picture on TV was still black and white - maybe the TV was broken. But other stuff - people, voices, even the air felt strange. Holy shit, I must be losing my mind...he panicked.

His wife woke up, moved around, turned to him.

It was her all right. Same women he loved. And yet... He could not quite put his finger on the strangeness, some nuances.

Suddenly he felt lost. He remembered being lost in his dreams, many times. The strange and desperate feeling when you recognize the place – kind of – but at the same time you are lost, have no idea where you are. In his dreams, he was waiting for his wife to find him. But now here she was and yet he felt lost.

Maybe because of this anxiety or maybe because of the medications, but his mind was working feverishly building explanations. Of course, the first and easiest one was that he was losing it, his mind, his touch with the real world.

Real world - what is it?

There are many theories about our reality, our universe. Multiverse, an infinite number of realities. The theory that everything that happened, or could happen, is already there and one's every choice moves you to a certain reality. Realities are constantly crossing – meeting and separating again. That is why the butterfly effect is negligible between realities.

But, he thought, maybe some extreme circumstances cause not a smooth transition, but a jump between realities, creating a ripple, a detectable jump.

Maybe his cardiac arrest caused the jump and he is able to detect it.

One thing he knew - no matter what he said trying to describe his feelings, his observations, no one will take it seriously. Most likely he will get more medications.

* * * * * * * *

Do some of these people see anything different, strange about him? If yes, do they just dismiss it as not real? Are they wondering or blaming their imagination for this “nonsense”?

He was getting better. Strong enough to walk with a nurse. He talked to nurses during these walks and noticed some strange unfamiliar words and expressions. He kept this to himself. They noticed it too in me, he was sure of this, but he knew nurses would attribute it to him being an immigrant or not well yet.

In a way, it has been exciting to imagine or maybe to know that he actually travels between realities. An adventure. I don't care if this is happening just in my head. For him it was real, it was his secret, even from his wife.

* * * * * * *

The nurse looked at this strange patient, still in a coma. He was delivered to the E.R. after cardiac arrest and doctors managed to revive him and he has been improving.

His breath was deep and even. All vital signs were decent. And yet, he was still in a coma.

If there are an infinite number of possible realities, he thought, then I died in some of them. That was an unsettling idea. How would this jumping between realities work? You are sick and this is a stupid idea, he decided, you shouldn't think about it anymore.

But he couldn't stop thinking about it. Are these realities subjective and exist for each person? If I die in one reality does that mean this reality ceases to exist?

* * * * * * *

The nurse could not understand what was happening to this patient and why.

His breathing was getting shallow, vital signs were slowing down. He was dying peacefully, in deep sleep.

The nurse called the doctor. They looked at each other. The doctor was at a loss. There was no reason for this. And yet, they were losing this patient.

Finally he was strong enough and was released from the hospital. He was sick of this place but he could not complain about service which had been excellent.

He hoped that once he was home and back to normal, all these strange things would go away. All this nuanced strangeness would disappear, these dreams mixed with reality, all unfamiliar and yet very familiar – would not be so scary and strange anymore.

Little by little life returned to normal at home. He slept better, strange dreams that were so real almost disappeared. He enjoyed the company of his wife, kids and grandkids.

And yet, sometimes these strange thoughts, weird feelings would come back, and he felt strangely lost. He would push this strangeness away.

   

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